Thursday, November 09, 2006

Klein to Singer: "Keep Your Moo-moo On."

Calgary

We were asked to play a roast for Ralph Klein, Dangerous Neo-con Premier of that great bastion of un-Canadian intolerant regressiveness, Alberta. The cold dead heart of that moral prairie wasteland is Calgary. We entered the Lion's den because a) It was a roast of Ralph Klein, so we weren't going to have to listen to people praise 'Premier free market at all costs' b) Calgary gigs pay really, really well.

Besides that, it was a charity event for the Calgary Homeless Foundation. Why the Conservatives would suddenly care about the homeless is beyond me. Surely these conservatives would have you believe that there's jobs aplenty in Calgary, and anybody who is homeless could just get a job. These black and white types never understand that somebody with great potential shouldn't be lowering themselves to serving hamburgers and coffee to their lessers, so to protect their dignity, possibly the only thing they have, they must rely on government largess and a bit of panhandling.

The gig went well, the large paycheck in hand, and the roasting of Neo-Klein Ralph was great. Lots of drinking jokes, and very personal jabs where it hurts a guy the most. I must say for an intolerant, he took it all very well. Then it was NKR's turn to take a few shots back. This he did with the usual kind of rebuttal that you get at these roasts. Jabs about the drinking and habits of the people who took their shots, a few good-natured jabs at some people in the audience, that sort of thing. Then it turned ugly.

I can barely repeat the vile filth, but the gist is he said Belinda Stronach "didn't have a conservative bone in her body... well maybe one." Everybody knew this was a jab at her for her past mating habits with Peter MacKay. Stevie was standing beside me, and suddenly started to go crazy (Tippy couldn't make it, as he was still he hospital after his stoning). "He can't say that!" she yelled. "That's Belinda he's talking about. That's sexist."

I knew trouble was coming, and sure enough as soon as the roast was over, Stevie raced over to NKR and started yelling at him. "You sexist nazi bastard, you cannot be making sexual comments like that about women. Do you really think it's OK to just go around calling people names?”

At this one of Neo-Klein Ralph's henchmen stepped forward, in case Stevie reached for her Birkenstock I guess. "Ma'am, your going to have to move along now..." he started to stay, but Stevie was yelling back by the time he got two words out. "Back off brown-shirt. I am a citizen of this country and have a Constitutional right to speak freely with the Premier."

NKR tried to calm every one down. "Keep your moo-moo on," he started to say to Stevie. She turned on him immediately.

"What did you say to me? Keep my moo-moo on? That's sexist! Would you say that to a man?"

"A man wouldn't be wearing a moo-moo..." he started to say, but Stevie wasn't finished.

"You fat, bald, drunken, sexist boor. You cannot just speak down to every woman in the world. We have a right to conduct our business with dignity intact, just like every man does, you beer bellied Neanderthal, regardless of whether our business is music, politics or serving you Labatt's 50..."

Much of that was said from the ground actually, as she poked him in the chest when she called him a "fat, bald, drunken, sexist boor," and his secret police jumped her. They had the cuffs on her by the time she got to “beer bellied Neanderthal”, and as she was being dragged off I heard something about just because he's Premier doesn't mean he can go around indiscriminately calling people names.

It's too bad to ruin a night where we got big pay for fourty-five minutes work, especially as there was only two of us to split it between, but at least we made enough to cover Stevie’s bail, which isn't always the case.