Snow ball fights at David Suzuki's Global Warming Tour Finale
Ottawa - We are at the museum of civilization playing the finale of the David Suzuki's cross-country marathon to alert people to the rising danger of global warming. It was snowing like a son-of-a-bitch, which caused some smart-ass reporter to ask Suzuki whether the snow meant we could call off the apocalypse?
"Apocalypse Now!" Suzuki retorted,"we are in the apocalypse! You're not supposed to get snow like this in early March in Ottawa, this is extreme weather like we have been predicting." People can be so dense. Everybody know climatic cataclysm is coming. The sea levels will rise 20 feet (or 18 centimetres, depending on who you ask), causing massive flooding of low lying areas. Hell, look at New Orleans, it already sank and there is no other explanation allowable than global warming.
Anyway, this thick as an arctic ice shelf reporter kept harping on about when is the warming coming that Suzuki keeps promising, and what's with all the cold and snow? Finally Stevie has had enough, being as she is in love with Dr. Suzuki and can't stand to see anyone question his infinite and, dare I say it, divine wisdom. Stevie believes, as does any left thinking human, that if David Suzuki says the world is warming, then it's time to put on the summer moo-moo's and wear the Birkenstock's without the wool socks, snow and ice or no snow and ice!
As I said, Stevie has had enough, and throws a snow ball at the clown. He picks it up and throws it back at her. Unfortunately, he throws like a reporter, and it's really too cold to be re-using snow balls. By the time he has picked it up a second time, it has frozen solid, and it's like throwing a rock. The frozen projectile misses Stevie and hits Tippy square on the melon.
Now this is ironic, because Tippy, having endured a few good hits to the melon before, believes Global warming will be beneficial to mankind. But here he is, being proven wrong by a frozen snowball. Tippy goes down like Tomáš Kaberle after a New Jersey body check. This enrages Stevie, who throws another snowball, which again, is frozen solid by the time it gets sent back to us. Tippy is groggily sitting up when the second ball again hits him on the head. Tippy is out cold.
Stevie loses it, and peels off her Birkenstock and attacks the reporter. Unfortunately, Stevie isn't wearing her wool socks, due to global warming, and when her bare foot lands in the cold snow she jumps up and shrieks in pain. When she comes down her Birkenstocked foot lands on an ice patch, causing her to slip and fall.
Tippy was just waking up and groggily sat up. He never saw Stevie coming, and had no chance to escape her fall. Stevie is, I think I have mentioned before, a big woman. Tippy a small-ish man. Stevie landed hard on poor Tippy, who was eventually taken to the hospital in Dr. Suzuki's very stylish, fully modern bus.
"Nice bus", Stevie said as we got on, "this thing run on Ethanol?"